Thoughts from a nurse student

Before I share, what’s on my heart, I would like to apologize. I apologize, that I haven’t posted anything in forever – that’s how long I feel like it’s been. I miss writing and I miss sharing my thoughts with all of you. But ever since I began my studies, my priorities changed. There’s a new sparkling passion inside of me and I prioritize my time obsessing with it. I hope my apology is accepted? ;-)

If you’ve read my blogpost “The queen of apology”, you would probably think, that it's typical me and I shouldn’t be apologizing for my priorities and I am aware of that – but well, what can I do? It’s hard to let go of old habits and I am still learning.

You’re probably wondering, what I have on my heart this time and I must warn you, that this time is the real shit – buuuuut it’s still me, so you’re also in for a real spiritual journey this time too.

This year I began my studies as a nurse student and I just began my internship at the oncology department. I work with cancer patients, I follow their journey, I support them and help them during their time on the hospital.

Everyone has heard of the famous and terrifying cancer disease. Some have suffered and survived, some have suffered but lost the fight, some have lost their loved ones and then, there’s those lucky ones, who never had to deal with it, in any sort of way. And I am one of those of people. And I am sorry, I didn’t get it.

I never understood, how it must feel like. I never understood how big of an existential crisis, they must go through. How they might lose their identity, their sexuality, their body image… How they lose, the life they’ve created, the life they thought, they would have, how they lose their dreams, in one fraction of a moment.

How they lose all of that and now win days, going in and out of the hospital. How they lose their appetite and win nausea. How they lose days in their own home and win days in a two-bed hospital room. How they lose time with their family and win time with strangers. How they lose their ability to take care of themselves and win nurses to take care of them instead.

I didn’t get that it never ends. Even if they get cured, it never ends. It’s never just a phrase that soon will become a memory. No, because they have changed. The worrying won’t stop, the uncertainty won’t stop, the fear of recurrence or an awful end won’t stop

Imagine someone telling you, that you can't do something anymore. I’ve met a young patient, whose passion was diving. He had dreams, dreams of diving anywhere in the world, dreams of teaching others, dreams of experiencing the beauty of the sea. He will never be able to do that again. Due to his chemo treatment, diving will cause a possible respiratory distress. Imagine your dreams vanish, because of something you never saw coming, of something out of your control.

I met another young man, who's also getting chemo. He's such an energetic man with a huge, uplifting personality. He just founded his own business 3 years ago and spent, most of his time, working with that. Now he’s forced to put that aside and spends his time inside the hospital – he goes home after treatment but he’s terribly exhausted. The other day he happily told me, he was able to work 5 days straight and getting a bit of exercise after his last treatment. That was a huge accomplishment for him and he was hoping, he was able to keep doing that.

Next time you wake up in the morning and don’t feel like going to work – let your thoughts wander, to those people, who are so horribly exhausted from their disease - who would do anything to be as healthy as you – and still wake up and go to work. Because they want to feel like, they are still living, that they still have value despite their disease. How they can’t justify being lazy with exercising - because if they do, the side effects of chemo will be getting worse.

They are still marching through this nightmare with a brave face and I am incredibly inspired, and I am incredibly proud of all of you.

I’m sorry, I didn’t get it. I still don’t get how, it must feel like - I hopefully never will – but I promise; I will try, the best I can do, to understand.